Cue the ugly tears, babes. Thank God that blogs are just words and not live visuals, because I’m a hot mess. Time for real talk. Today I’ve been overwhelmed with so many emotions. Rollercoastering up and down. Not only did my little puppy turn 4 today, but my little dude turned 1. Double whammy.

Tonight as I got him ready for bed, I sat there a little longer with him. Held him a few more minutes before I put him into his crib. Cherishing the moments that I have with him. Telling him how much I love him. Basically being a super sappy mom. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to make sure that he knew just how much he means to me.

I think as a momma, no one really prepared me for the birthdays for the babe. I feel like I was a little blindsided by emotion. Yes, I’m filled with happiness that I have a beautiful little boy who is healthy and happy. I’m filled with gratitude that God has blessed me with him. With excitement as I watch him grow and learn new things every day. With joy that he’s mine and I’ll forever be his. And alongside those beautiful emotions I’m left with feelings of sadness. Sadness that my babe isn’t a babe. He’s a little boy. A toddler. Today we got his hair cut for the first time, and he’s legit a toddler. I’m filled with disappointment that I’m not the mom he deserves. I’m filled with fear that he won’t love me when he gets older like he does now. Or worst of all, that I’ll forget these moments with him.

As we were around the city today celebrating his birthday, Jake reminded me of something kinda powerful. As we were next to one of the old places we lived in our old hood, I started feeling sad. Missing that life. Missing that place. Missing that neighborhood. Wishing I could have those things back. I asked him if he missed it and he quickly responded “no, not at all” which left me with my jaw dropped in amazement. How could I have such an attachment to these things, but yet for Jake they are nothing? So how does the old place tie into today with the babe? Well it made me realize that I spend so much of my time and energy thinking about the past. Missing what I had. So much in fact that I forget to live in the present. And I fail to see the future and how many exciting things are waiting for us.

So while this is all an around about way of getting to this, for those of you still listening (assuming at least one person reads this – Hi mom), I’m trying so hard to shift my focus to the future. I can’t wait to watch this little dude grow. Learn new things. Figure out who he is.