I woke up this morning overcome with feelings of sadness. Of hopelessness. Of pain. I try so hard every year on this day to find the joy and happiness. To forget the sadness. Instead, I sit all day and try to distract myself. To block the pain. And the feelings. And reality. The reality that you are gone. That my heart will always have a hole in it.

Most years, I’ve been able to find some peace. Peace that I know you’re in Heaven with your mom and dad and friends and family. Peace that I know that you’re forever my angel watching over me. Yet while I know those to be true, this year I’ve struggled more than ever finding that peace.

When you first passed away, I thought of all of the life moments that you’d miss. Me officially getting my driver’s license, prom, graduating, college, boyfriends, me finding “the one,” my wedding, and yes… the birth of babies. At each life event, I’m so ever soberly reminded of your absence.

And today as I look down at Landon, at just how handsome and perfect he is, I feel such sadness that he’ll never truly know you. How amazing of a grandpa you would have been. How absolutely awesome you are with kids and how you would light up any time a little one was around. How you’re the perfect model of what a man and father should be.

With waterfalls streaming from my eyes and this screen nothing but a blur, the reality is that I love you. I have never forgotten you. Not a day has passed that you’re not on my mind. That I don’t miss you and think about what life would be like if you were here with us still today. But rather than focus on what isn’t, I shall focus on what is.

You are now not only my angel but now Landon’s angel who is watching over him, helping him to grow up a good boy. I know, just like for me, you’ll always be there for him. You’ll be that little smile I see when he’s sleeping knowing he’s talking to grandpa. You’ll be the cool breeze he feels. The happiness that fills him. Watch over him, okay daddy? And continue watching over me. And I’ll continue loving you forever and talking to you daily. And I’ll be sure that Landon knows all about you and the amazing man you are. Each day that passes, I miss you more. And I love you more. Love you daddy <3

<3 tiger

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