This last Sunday, I received a call that I dreaded. The call that everyone dreads. When your phone rings from your mom way earlier than she’d ever call, your stomach drops because you know something isn’t right. Sadly my instincts were right. With tears in her eyes, a voice trembling, she delivered the news that my sweet grandma had passed away that morning.

Growing up, I was always a mess when it came to someone passing. I’d become an uncontrollable crying mess. But since my dad passed, it’s almost as if I’ve become immune. I’m still overwhelmed with saddness, but it’s so different. Tears flow, but not like before.

I’ve always had problems with expressing feelings (other than happiness). I was always the one that bottled up all the emotions and kept it inside… until one day, one day that it just became too much to bear and I’d break down. It was just unlike me to be anything but happy. As soon as I showed one sign of unhappiness, people pounced on me. After many talks from family… and finally a good talk from my husband, I realized how unhealthy it is. So I turned to writing. Most of the posts I write remain in my drafts folder, but it helps to get out the emotions.

Growing up, I only had one set of living grandparents. Both my memmère and peppère (my dad’s parents) had passed before I was born. Just my mom’s parents were around. We grew up about 2 hours north of them. We often saw them for the holidays as well as other random trips. My grandpa was in the Navy and would always tell me battle stories. I’ve always been a bit obsessed with the military and history, so the stories were so amazing to hear. He’d show me his tattoos, talk about friends, and give me a glimpse into his life. My grandma was a nurse. Pretty as can be!

I always wished they lived closer. That I could spend more time with them. My grandpa passed away on January 16, 2006. Since then, my grandma’s health began to fade. It broke my heart to not only see her suffer but to also see my mom suffer. My mom means everything to me.

While my grandma was a sweet woman and I will miss her so, I’m happy that she can now finally find peace. I hope she knows the love we all have for her. And that she finds calmness and beauty and serenity welcoming her to Heaven.

As I sat on the red line last night coming home, I began to cry. I fought so hard to stop the tears, but I couldn’t. My mind went deeper as I began to wonder why God allows us to feel sadness and pain and loneliness. And then it hit me. And it made so much sense. Without sadness, we would never understand the true beauty of happiness. Without death, we wouldn’t see how beautiful and blessed life is. You see, life must have these contrasting feelings. Because without them, how would we know what happiness is?